I know that self-hypnosis never really did work on me but I still do it, most probably to escape from the stress, pain, anxiety and panicking. Sometimes, it all just gets too much. I try to contain it but it usually does me more harm than it should. With every moment that pass, it simply gets worse. The very few people who notice the frown beneath my mischievous smiles try to make things better for me, but it makes me feel like a huge burden to them in some way. “I’ve got to stop depending on others. I’ve got to be my own hero now. No one else is going to save me at this rate.” I repeat endlessly while trying to busy myself. These words could sound cheesy to those who have never went through what people like me go through everyday, but what else can we do? If we don’t do that at the least, bad thoughts and urges rush in and take over us in over a few seconds. Yes, I want to escape from this harsh and cruel reality where you can’t run from those judgmental eyes and high expectations. I want to enjoy and be grateful for everything around me but I can’t do all that because everything around me is the reason why I have to self-hypnotize myself every second. I feel suffocated. I need to breathe and break free from all this mess.
I might just be dreaming
I might just be dreaming, but it sure feels real.
The pain, the guilt, the anxiety
The rush, the panic, the uncertainty
I simply stare at the endlessly turning color wheel
Maybe I’m just over-thinking this all
But either way, I still fear the fall
My surroundings are always so surreal
Blurring out the road I’m supposed to take
I crouch beside and start to shake
All alone, not entirely sure how or what to feel.